runs-on-reindeer:

When my sister was in the Marines some little shit told her to make him a sandwich so she went to his boss and they used money from the asshole’s next paycheck to order subs for the entire squadron

ask-gallows-callibrator:

levi-has-the-booty:

Teacher: Reading a book is better than sex.
[Class titters]
Teacher: It’s like a 10-hour orgasm!
[Laughter increases]
Girl pipes up: Yeah, and with a book I actually get to finish!
[Boys’ laughter dies off almost instantly as the girls hoot]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH 

SHOTS FIRED 

cheesoisuncool:

new traffic light color ideas

  • purple: turn around and go back
  • mega green: like green except greener. it means that you have to double go.
  • cyan: apply your turbo boosters and do a cool drift or get arrested by the car law
  • black: sucks you into a cyber vortex where you have to do a bonus stage road and collect rings

thorxndor:

since I’m 18 now I had to call the hospital myself to get test results and I was simply planning on saying that I had a blood test last week and if I could get the results back but when the woman answered I said “I want my blood back” and hung up the phone, so I’m never trying that again